Self-esteem and deciding to get help
Plain-language answers from the knowledge library of Heal with Irene, the practice of Dr. Irene Behnan, Clinical Psychologist. Browse and search the full library.
Self-Esteem & Emotional Intelligence
What actually is self-esteem, and why does it matter so much?
Self-esteem is essentially how much value and respect you believe you deserve, and it quietly shapes decisions in almost every part of life, relationships, work, how much you speak up, and what you think you're allowed to want. Low self-esteem doesn't always look dramatic; it can just look like constantly settling, over-apologizing, or assuming others' needs matter more than your own.
Why do I always focus on my flaws instead of my strengths?
This is a very common pattern called negativity bias, our brains are wired to notice and remember threats and flaws more strongly than positives, as a kind of outdated survival mechanism. It doesn't mean the negative view is more accurate; it means it's louder, and that imbalance can be actively worked on.
Why is my inner voice so much harsher with me than I'd ever be with someone else?
Many people absorb critical inner voices from early experiences, a demanding parent, harsh feedback, or environments where mistakes felt unsafe, and that voice can keep running on autopilot long after those situations are over. Learning to notice this voice as a pattern, rather than as objective truth, is often the first step to softening it.
How do I quiet negative self-talk?
A useful first step is simply noticing when it happens and naming it ("that's the critical voice again") rather than automatically believing it. From there, practicing more balanced, factual self-talk, not forced positivity, just accuracy, tends to work better than trying to silence the voice completely, which rarely works long-term.
Is it normal to feel like an impostor even when I'm doing well?
Yes, feeling like your success is luck, timing, or somehow undeserved (often called impostor syndrome) is extremely common, especially among high-achievers and people with perfectionist tendencies. It says more about internalized self-doubt than about your actual competence.
Why do I have trouble saying no to people?
Difficulty saying no is often tied to a fear of disappointing others, conflict avoidance, or a belief that your needs matter less than everyone else's. Boundaries can feel selfish at first if you're not used to setting them, but they're actually what makes relationships sustainable rather than resentful.
What does having healthy boundaries actually look like?
Healthy boundaries mean being able to say what you need or don't want without over-explaining or feeling guilty, and being able to tolerate someone else's disappointment without immediately backing down. It's a skill, not a personality trait, it can be learned even if it feels unnatural at first.
Why do I feel responsible for making everyone around me happy?
This pattern, often called people-pleasing, frequently develops from environments where keeping others calm or happy felt necessary for safety or approval, especially in childhood. It can feel like kindness, but when it comes at the cost of your own needs consistently, it's usually worth exploring where that responsibility got learned.
Why do I struggle to name what I'm actually feeling?
Some people grow up in environments where emotions weren't discussed or were dismissed, which can leave adulthood feeling harder to navigate emotionally, not because the feelings aren't there, but because the vocabulary for them was never built. Practicing naming emotions specifically (frustrated versus disappointed versus anxious, for example) is a core skill in emotional intelligence work.
What is emotional intelligence, really?
Emotional intelligence generally refers to the ability to recognize your own emotions and other people's, understand what's driving them, and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. It's considered a learnable skill, not a fixed trait, which is why coaching or therapy focused on it can make a real, practical difference.
Can emotional intelligence actually be improved as an adult?
Yes, unlike some personality traits, emotional intelligence skills like self-awareness, regulation, and empathy can genuinely be built through practice, feedback, and guided work with a coach or therapist. It's less about a personality overhaul and more about developing specific, repeatable habits.
Will my self-esteem ever really change, or is this just who I am?
Self-esteem is shaped by experience, not fixed at birth, which means it can genuinely shift with consistent new experiences, support, and challenging old beliefs, it just tends to take deliberate effort and time rather than a single insight. Many people are surprised how much room there is to grow here with the right support.
Deciding to Get Help
What actually happens in a therapy session?
A typical session involves talking through what's going on in your life with a licensed professional who listens, asks questions, and helps you understand patterns, rather than just offering quick advice. Sessions might focus on current stress, past experiences, specific skills, or a mix, depending on your goals and the therapist's approach.
What's the difference between therapy and coaching?
Therapy is provided by a licensed mental health professional and can address diagnosable conditions like anxiety, depression, or trauma, while coaching (such as emotional intelligence or anger management coaching) tends to be more goal- and skill-focused, often without diagnosing or treating clinical conditions. Some practitioners, like those with both therapy licensure and coaching certifications, offer both depending on what a person needs.
Do I need medication, or is therapy enough?
This depends entirely on the individual and the severity of what's going on, some people do well with therapy alone, others benefit from medication alongside it, and a licensed provider (therapist, psychiatrist, or primary doctor) is the right person to help make that assessment. It's a medical decision, not something to self-diagnose from general information online.
How do I actually find a therapist who's a good fit?
Start by getting specific about what you want help with, then search directories (like Psychology Today or similar), and don't be afraid to talk to two or three therapists before committing, fit matters as much as credentials. Many therapists offer a brief free consultation call specifically so you can get a feel for them before booking a full session.
What questions should I ask a potential therapist before starting?
Useful questions include: what experience do you have with what I'm dealing with, what does treatment typically look like, how will we know if it's working, and what happens if I don't feel like it's helping. Their answers, and how comfortable you feel asking, both matter.
How do I know if a therapist is actually the right fit for me?
Beyond credentials, pay attention to how you feel talking to them, do you feel heard, judged, rushed, or genuinely understood? Most professionals recommend giving it three to five sessions before deciding, since it can take a little time to build rapport, but ongoing discomfort or feeling dismissed are valid reasons to look elsewhere.
What if I can't afford therapy?
Many therapists offer sliding-scale fees based on income, and community mental health centers, insurance-covered options, or lower-cost providers (like associate-level clinicians) can also reduce cost. It's worth asking directly about affordability, most providers are used to that question and can point you toward options.
How do I know if my insurance covers therapy?
Check directly with your insurance provider about mental health coverage, in-network providers, and copay amounts, since plans vary widely. If a therapist is out-of-network, some can still provide a "superbill" that lets you seek partial reimbursement, which is worth asking about specifically.
What should I expect from my very first session?
The first session usually involves the therapist getting a picture of what's going on for you, your history, and your goals, it's less about diving deep immediately and more about starting to build a working relationship. It's completely normal to feel a little nervous; most therapists expect that and will guide the conversation.
How will I know if therapy is actually working?
Progress in therapy isn't always linear or dramatic, sometimes it shows up as small shifts in how you handle situations, not sudden transformation. A good therapist should be willing to periodically check in with you about whether things feel like they're moving in the right direction, and adjust the approach if they're not.